I do not presume to be as funny, witty or class as the fellows from Monty Python. My cousin Dan is the family fan. I just like them in a low key, gosh that’s great stuff, sort of way. But they were on sale for $35 on Amazon (whom I avoid) and I tell my Dad and Dan this. Dad buys me the DVDs. The whole set. All their TV stuff (not the movies, which is fine by me). The problem was UPS.
I don’t know what high grade crack they were smoking, but UPS decided that the best time to deliver to my apartment was between 10am and 2pm. Only. Hours most people are at work. The one day I was actually off-work between those hours, Thursday the 31st, I was actually at my friends’ helping them move. I came home to the sticker on my door saying ‘You missed us! We’ll be back between 10am and 2pm on Monday the 4th! Please call if this is bad.’
So I made the mistake and called.
These are their real names, but I don’t think they actually were their names.
‘Dave’: Hello, welcome to UPS, this is Dave, how can I help you?
Me: Hello, I’d like to change the time of my pickup.
‘Dave’: May I have your package number?
Me: The one you had me enter via my touchtone phone?
‘Dave’: Yes.
Me: I see. 1234 5678 9012
‘Dave’: Thank you, let me type that in. 1324 8576 9012
Me: No. 1 2 3, 4 5 6, 7 8 9, 0 1 2
‘Dave’: Ah! 1234 5678 9012
Me: Yes, thank you.
‘Dave’: I see that we attempted to deliver this package today at 11am.
Me: Yes, I wasn’t home and I won’t be home Monday between 10 and 2, so I want to change the time to after 5pm.
‘Dave’: We will make our next delivery attempt on Monday between 10am and 2pm.
Me: … Yes, as I said, I won’t be home between those hours. I have a job. Can I change the time to after 5pm?
‘Dave’: I’m sorry, I can’t do that.
Me: Why not? Your website says you do it for a $4 fee.
‘Dave’: Yes, but this package MUST be delivered between 10am and 2pm.
Me: You understand that there is no way I’ll ever be home in those hours?
‘Dave’: I’m sorry. Can you try to be home?
Me: You want to tell your boss ‘I have to stay home because UPS won’t deliver at a reasonable time?’
‘Dave’: I’m sorry, sir–
Me: Ma’am.
‘Dave’: I… What?
Me: Ma’am. I am a woman.
‘Dave’: Oh, I’m sorry.
Me: So about the delivery time?
‘Dave’: Can’t change it.
Me: Why not?
‘Dave’: The shipping information says it can only be delivered between 10am and 2pm.
Me: That has to be the stupidest option ever. *sigh* Okay, where can I pick it up?
‘Dave’: Your Will-Call location is Northbrook.
Me: I… Northbrook? Address please?
‘Dave’: 2525 Shermer Rd.
Me: Dude, Google says there’s no public transportation there. How do you expect people to get there?
‘Dave’: I’m sorry si- ma’am. It has free parking.
Me: Can’t you send it to your downtown Chicago Will-Call location?
‘Dave’: I’m not permitted to do so.
Me: May I speak to someone who is? Your supervisor perhaps?
‘Dave’: He cannot either. The system doesn’t permit it. I do not have the ability to change it on the computer.
Me: I don’t believe that your system doesn’t have an override. May I speak to your supervisor?
‘Dave’: He can’t change it. The system won’t permit him either.
Me: May I speak to your supervisor?
‘Dave’: Ma’am. he can’t change it–
Me: ‘Dave’, may I please speak to your supervisor? Or will I need to ask you for your employee ID number?
‘Dave’: *LONG PAUSE* One moment, ma’am.
‘Brian’: *THE SAME VOICE* Hello, I am Brian. How can I assist you?
Me: Hi, ‘Brian’, I’m having a small problem. I can’t be home during the hours you want to deliver my package, and it’s really not convenient for me to drive half an hour to Northbrook. So can you please move my package to the downtown location?
‘Brian’: I’m afraid I can’t, ma’am. It’s against policy to change the will-call location.
Me: Policy? Your man ‘Dave’ said it was the system that didn’t permit it. I assumed you have an override.
‘Brian’: No, ma’am. Corporate policy.
Me: I see. So, let me just say this to make sure we’re all on the same page.
‘Brian’: Ma’am–
Me: TUTUT! A moment, please. So. You claim that my package can only be delivered between 10am and 2pm, hours that most people are at work, and as I don’t happen to know anyone who can sign for me, I have to come pick it up from you at the location your computer selected was ‘most logical.’ And even though the computer is wrong, you can’t change it for me and I’m stuck driving out half an hour to bum-fuck Northbrook just to get a gift?
‘Brian’: I … Yes, ma’am.
Me: Okay. Please file this as an official complaint against your system in that it will not allow you to correct an automated error.
‘Brian’: Yes, ma’am. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Me: That implies you did something for me at all. You know, I never wanted to deal with your idiot company anyway!
‘Brian’: Ma’am?
Me: I wanted to be… A LUMBERJACK! Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
(Yes, I did drive out to freakin’ Northbrook to get the DVDs, and I shant be using UPS again. Ever. Unless I have to. By law.)