Hey, Ipstenu!
Hey! It’s you! My old friend who asks me about computers!
That’s right, it’s me! I was gonna ask you something about —
Excuse me.
… Who are you?
CSI.
CSI? Is this a crime scene? Are you Sara Sidle!?
No, I’m a CSI. Computer Smoke Investigator.
Smoke … Oh, come on. That’s a myth! Just like the chicken waving thing is!
Chicken?
Yeah, wave a dead chicken over your computer to fix it.
Does it work?
Of course not.
Excuse me. If you two are done, I need to ask you a few questions.
*sigh* Alright.
Where were you at 5pm on Friday the first of August?
I was … walking to a co-worker’s apartment to pick up tickets to the Cubs game.
Can someone verify this?
I left my office at about 4:10pm, having talked to my boss about some idiot who wouldn’t follow process, took the Red Line to the station and walked to my co-worker’s apartment, where the doorman gave me the stink-eye and the tickets. I gave her an envelope, with a check, and walked home.
What did you find when you got home?
My computer, turned off.
Is this normal?
No, normally I turn it on when I get up and leave it on all day.
Why
I was downloading a 2 gig file. I like it to run when I’m not home.
Was this a legal download?
I … how does that matter?
I’m asking the questions.
I take the fifth.
Oh you were so using a Torrent.
Shut up, you. Not the point.
Very well. What did you do next?
I asked Ipstenit if she’d turned my computer off. She said no, so I pressed the power button and nothing happened.
Wow, that’s not good!
Please refrain from comments. You’re next.
I – what!?
– Continue.
When nothing worked, I unplugged all my peripherals and tried a different outlet. That didn’t work, so I opened the case and found … well, I didn’t notice what was wrong at the time. But the power supply had burnt.
Why? You’re a self-nominated computer expert? Why do you think you missed that?
I’ve had that computer for over 6 years, probably closer to 7. It’s an- it was an old friend and I was distracted by the agony of the, well, death of a friend.
A computer is a friend?
It can be. You establish a raport with your computer. You get used to it’s idiosyncracies and oddities, the way you need to treat it to do what you want. I’d upgraded that machine twice in 7 years and I knew it inside and out.
And yet you missed, let me read this, ‘Burnt power supply and fan, partial melted memory chips, melted motherboard’? Is that correct?
You got that from Apple? Yeah, that’s correct.
You missed that?
I’ll ask the questions here. If you’re as familiar, as you say, with the inside of that computer, how did you miss that?
The fire happened between 3 and 4 in the afternoon, based on the last file/date stamp of the last file touched before the computer cut out. The windows were open. Ipstenit was out of the house. By the time I got home at about 5:30, the apartment had aired out and smelled normal. My across the alley neighbor had a barbeque going, so I never would have noticed the smell. As for the sights, honestly. I’ve never seen melted computer innards. I looked at it after the fact, and the signs are freakishly small. I did look at the powercord, but there were no obvious scorch marks on it, or the inside metal of the case.
Hmm. Very well. The Apple Store says you arrived twice. Once at 6 and again at 6:30 PM. Why?
I thought, at first, I could just slap the old hard drives into a new machine, but I forgot the hardware specs had changed since my G3 Sawtooth – Oh, that’s right, I got the Sawtooth January 2000. So it’s six and a half years old! Anyway, the hardware specs changed. I mean, the new Macs are all Intel and the old harddrives weren’t portable. Since I had to get the data off, I talked to them about how much it would cost and so on. They charge extra for recovery from a dead drive you know. Anyway, I got a year of classes from them and the data backup, AND the new machine, and they had it don Saturday.
Thank you. And you?
Me!?
We haven’t talked since January. See the link up above. And I don’t wanna press charges.
You’re aware you can’t get this covered by renter’s insurance?
Dude, nearly 7 year old computer? I assumed as much.
Well then, Ipstenu, you’re being charged with letting the smoke out of your computer.
… Is this a joke?
No, it is not. Unauthorized smoke release is a criminal offense. Fines up to-
But it’s a myth! There’s no smoke in a computer!
I … see. I’m going to have to take you in.
What!? No, this is bull shit. Look, haven’t you seen Computer Stupidities? There’s no such thing as smoke in a computer. If your computer is smoking, call 911!
Release of computer smoke causes instant computer death within seconds. You’re telling me this didn’t happen? There was no smoke damage to your desk?
I … Well, there was soot. But that doesn’t mean anything! It was a fire! The power supply gave out, sparking, which ignited the dust bunnies in my computer, which cause a small fire that melted the insides and self-exstiguished becuase of lack of sustainable sources. There wasn’t enough fuel.
That sounds like Mythbuster territory for me.
The melting was subtle. Seriously, only a real hardware pro would have noticed.
And you’re not a hardward pro?
No, ma’am. Not yet. But I get a year free classes to work on it.
But you insist there’s no such thing as computer smoke?
Yes, ma’am. There’s no such thing.
I see. And if you won’t press charges… Then I have to let you go.
Really? Thank god… This was just insane.
She gone?
Looks like. Now what did you want to ask me?
… I forgot. She’s hot.
Oh, you!