I was going to brag about how good I am at coding, only I’ve had some moments of deep refection (having typo-ed ‘Prorgom Files’ instead of ‘Program Files’ and screwing the pooch right up), and I realized I’m not all that good.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very good at what I do. My boss tells me to be more patient (working on it) and to be more personable (I am, but … this is work!). I guess people are a little intimidated by me, and I suspect it’s because I don’t always remember to tone down the brain/geekitude for folks who are as smart as I am, but not as weird as I am. And that’s always been a problem. I work better with guys and much older women. Chicks my age, eh. I’m not like them, never have been, probably won’t be until I’m 60 and ‘my age’ is the age of my grand kids.
There’s a joke there about how my mom came to pick me up once from my Gran’s and I said I wanted to stay and play with Taffy. Mom said she’d play with me, and I replied “I want to play with someone my own age!”
This has not changed a whole hell of a lot in the last 25 years.
I don’t see myself as impersonal. I think I get along with one of my coworkers very well, and the consultants well enough. My other two coworkers, I don’t have a whole lot in common, and I’m generally less than chatty about my life, so we don’t connect.
That really doesn’t bother me much and never has. Again, that’s not something I see changing. I like me the way I am, and I rather resent the fact that people want me to be interested in their life.
Oh, the irony and hypocrisy of that statement, don’t I know it! Here I am, bleating all self-aware about my angst and I want you to listen? That’s where you’re a fucko. I mean that it in the nicest possible way, just so you know. See, I don’t care if anyone reads this. This is my writing exercise to get words to the proverbial paper at least once a week. It’s like that NaNoWriMo concept. Just get the damn lead out.
My friend Laura the Pink (she knows who she is if she’s reading), told me that she despised NaNoWriMo because she has no problem getting the words out. She has revision issues. Sing it, sister! I countered, and really was thinking about that when I started up blog 2.0 (anyone who remembers BLU have a cookie). I don’t have problems writing a story, I have problems crafting a revision. I’m getting better, but lately work has sucked me in to the point that I need to ‘feel’ something to want to write.
Yeah, what a piece of arrogant bullshit that is, Ipstenu! Suck it up and write.
And thus, I suck it up and write today, tomorrow, all days. Sadly, I’ve been content with a paragraph a day, and that’s awful considering I used to power out pages at lunch. I can’t even blame work for that.
And it comes back to code. I like code, I’m not a great coder but I’m a Kludge Artist. Give me your code and a cheat-sheet to what the language is, and I’ll reproduce almost anything. It’s a useful talent, and as my boss has told me, I’m a fucking quick study.
I’m also lazy right now. I’d rather play a role playing game with my friends, or mess around with PHP code and SQL than write. I want to read a book and chill, go roller-blading. In other words, I’m in a funk.
So I’m going to try and kick my ass and get better. Stay tuned.