I was going to write about Pete Rose, but then I hit up TN and it was written so much better. Everyone’s writing about Pete Rose, or politics, or all that crap. And all I can think about are the 20-60 layoffs that just happened, and the stupid things people do at work.
I started working full time for Bank of Ipstenu in February 1999, along with my best work buddy, David the Asshole who sits behind me. We were the new kids, 21 and 23, he was getting married in October, I’d just started getting serious about Ipstenit. It was a good point in our lives to stop dicking around with consulting, and get down to the business of earning cash in a safer environment. When most of my old friends hear I work for a bank, they’re surprised. I’m a Hippie Child, not a corporate America suit. They see me as an arty sort (because I write and play guitar), not the computer cube drone. It pays the rent, and it leaves me free enough to write. I’m remarkably stress free compared to the people I know, but part of that is because I know how to effectively manage my health.
And above all, I have common sense. Either 20, 30 or 60 people, depending on whom you ask, were idiots. They used the internet inappropriately, they ran businesses out of their office phone and email, they slept at their desks, and they didn’t do their job. I’ll admit it, I surf the net a bit more than I should at work. Mea culpa. It doesn’t affect my job, however. I get it done. Every day of the work week. I do my gig, I do it well, and I’m worth it. There are places I could improve, no doubt, but I’m worthy.
To quote the company handbook on out Corporation Communication Systems Policy:
“All communications and information transmitted by, received from, or stored in email, telephones, Usenet, the world wide web, paper mail and fax are the property of Da Bank and, subject to applicable laws and regulations, are subject to review by The Bank, without prior notice to the employee, at any time for business and security purposes.”
If this surprises anyone, they need to get out more.
Reading further it says that they know we’ll do it for fun once in a while, but we have to abide by guidelines. For one, I can’t attempt to represent the bank, which is why I don’t tell you outright what bank it is. I can’t make public statements about the Bank, again, this makes sense. I’m not in HR. I also can’t use sexually explicit words or break the harassment guidelines at the Bank, even while I’m studiously NOT representing the bank. In other words, logging into a bulletin board for NeoNazis is out of the picture. In the end, I’m responsible for the shit I say. And I can live with that.
At this point, they start getting into the nitty-gritty about our tools through which we communicate to the outside world; phones (try not to call home too much), email (try not to email your friends too much), the web (a little surfing is fine, but you can’t conduct a business or advance personal views), Usenet (same as the web, though we no longer have a Usenet server here), paper mail (don’t send your junk mail here), the fax (same as phone). Hey wait. Advance my personal views? What does that mean? I shouldn’t look up things about religion, or the Democratic party? What about reading about the Constitution? That’s a very surprising slippery slope that I hadn’t seen coming.
The usual threats about violation remain the usual. If they suspect you of being a slackard, they can monitor you and fire you for violations. Not a shock. They also have a claim to perform search and seizure on your property at the Bank. Anything on the computer is fair game. Anything in your desk, same thing.
After they spend all that time telling you what not to do, they take another page to spell it out again. No breaking US or State laws, no reading secret files without permission, no sharing secret files without permission, no lying on your contract, no not filing your required information, no refusal to cooperate with investigations, no falsification/altering/forgery/destruction of company data, no destruction of Bank or someone else’s personal property, no misuse of funds, no threatening people, no using/selling/possessing/delivering drugs or alcohol on the job, and no excessive personal use of company electronic systems.
On top that that, there is the what we should do list. Do your job, do work-related instructions from your boss, do report work related injuries, do be nice (seriously, it says that), do show up on time, do call in if you’re not coming in and it’s unscheduled, do obey the non-smoking rule, and do stay awake.
The quote is “Demonstrate alertness at all times – no sleeping on the job.”
My former coworker was fired for falling asleep at his desk. He’d been warned, people had complained (he snores, it seems) and finally a manager walked up to him while he slept and woke him up to tell him he was fired. Said coworker objected. Now the rumor is he blamed his sleeping on the job on his management for not giving him enough to do, and since he didn’t want to spend excessive time on the internet, he fell asleep.
Wow.
I just write blog entries.
As a side note, I learned that we can’t be discriminated against for mental disability, so long as it doesn’t affect one’s job. That totally explains the stupid people here.
It takes all kinds.