1) Do not raid my candy supply in my desk.
I keep some M&Ms and other mini treats stashed in my desk, mostly because my blood-sugar has a tendency to tank and I get pissy around 3 or 4 without it. Just because I gave you one once doesn’t mean you can go in all the time. Now, the jar of candy labeled ‘Free!’ is another story. We all refill that.
2) If you snack from the free and communal candy jar, refill it once in a while.
It’s just good manners. I’m not saying I’m keeping tabs on that, but I have noticed you (yes you) have never re-filled it in the 6 months I’ve been here. I’ve refilled it twice.
3) We’re here to work.
Strange as it may seem, we’re here to work, so talking endlessly for over 10 minutes is irritating. I’m not trying to be an asshole, but get thee to thy desk! Wait till lunch, or ask to ‘take a walk’ cause if we want to talk? We will.
4) Do not tell people they’re going into the wrong restroom.
If they are, they’ll figure it out. If they’re not, you’ve technically sexually harassed them! I get this for the week after I get a haircut. Someone (usually the same woman) tells me I’m going to the wrong restroom. This got so annoying I actually switched to the other one on my floor (which has softer TP, but that’s not the point). Do I need to drop my pants and flip up my shirt to show you I’m supposed to use the ladies room? Jokes on her, though. In the new bathroom, I bumped into someone who isn’t an ass and was chatting with her. We walked out and there was Bitchy-Gender-Stupid Lady who stared at us both and then walked away without saying anything. Friendly-Coworker says ‘Oh, you’re the young man who uses the ladies room!’ and we both started giggling. Since then? No problems. Thanks, R!
5) For G-D’s sake, flush!
Need I say more? It’s just gross. Ew.
6) If you happen to eavesdrop on someone else’s conversation (it happens) be polite about it.
I actually made a good friend this way. I heard him talking about cancer, knew he was single and asked if anyone was helping him out (after apologizing for having listened)? We became buddies from then on. That was nice. The other side is someone who snarked someone spent too much time talking to her parents. I pointed out that if Snarky spoke Spanish, she’d know that our coworker’s mother was in the hospital. That shut her up quick.
7) Reading is overrated.
When I send an email out to you saying ‘We’re having this problems’ maybe it’s a good idea to … read the email. I wasn’t just sending it out for grins and giggles. And then calling me up a day later to bitch that I never told you, when I have the sent message right there? Oh. I hate you. I hate you all.
8) Wash your mother-fucking hands! AUGH!
Sneezing, coughing, going to the lav, whatever. Just please, for the love of all things, wash your hands! Augh! Augh!
9) The office is not the place to ask me about my sexuality.
Not that I’m going to avoid talking about my SO when we’re having a ‘Don’t you hate it when your SO…’ chats. But … asking ‘Who’s the guy in your relationship?’ is rude and stupid and ignorant, and damn it it’s been 7 years and I still think you’re an idiot.
10) If you’re going to break the rules I enforce, don’t tell me first!
So my first week on my job, I send out a message to test XYZ in a test environment, like you do. Test before you release. Guy emails back “It didn’t work. Of course we’ve never actually tested so I don’t know if that’s normal.” I stare at my email and forward it to my boss asking ‘Hasn’t he, like, been doing this for 2 years?’ My boss flips out and reams him a new one. He bitches ‘I never said that!’ My boss reads his email back to him. He bitches ‘That was between me and Ipstenu!’ Boss returns with the volley of ‘Yes, and Ipstenu knows how to do her job!’