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So now that DSL is up and running (and thank you everyone who suggested I bite the bullet and do it, it’s MUCH nicer), I get to cancel my dial-up account (RCN) and my second phone line (SBC/Ameritech). Should be easy, right?

RCN @ 12/31/2002

3:46pm – Phone tree. Yes, I want to disconnect. Thank you. On hold.

3:47pm – Muzak? God help me. Christmas Muzak! Hey, that’s Ella Fitzgerald! Well, okay, I can cope with this. I don’t like the song, but I don’t mind listening to Ella. BEsides, I’m playing with the cat- Ow! That was my SKIN you furry-assed freak! Get back here!

3:55pm – There’s a Muzak version of The Greatest American Hero‘s theme song! I totally loved that show! It was so silly, I loved that show. The suit and the lost manual and the FBI. It feels so very ass-backwardy X-files. Wonder what a Muzak version of that would sound like. How do you make a Muzak whistle.

4:02pm – Have a merry fucking christmas, dudes, that was last week! It’s almost 2003! This has got to be the worst Ella/Christmas song ever.

4:08pm – “Believe it or not, I’m walking on air. I never thought I could feel so freeeeeee!” Hee, oh, sorry honey, didn’t mean to sing out loud. Can you bring me a towel, though? Why? Um… I wanna wear it like a cape. Thanks. Love you too.

4:13pm – God help me, if I hear one more Chirstmas song I’ll- A person! Hello! Hi! What? Um, I want to cancel my service. Huh? No, not phone. No, not cable- will you let me talk! Thank you. Internet account, dial-up. Billing can’t do that? Why not? Becuase it’s an internet dial-up account. Um, okay, transfer me to whomever can cancle my account. Tech Services? Werid, but okay. Thanks.

4:18pm – “Flying away on a wing and a prayer. Whoooo could it beeee? Believe it or not it’s just meeeee.” Whee! No, I was just jumping off the couch, honey. I didn’t mean to scare the cat. What? No, I hate my downstairs neighbors. Actually, no one lives below us anymore. Eh? Yes, I’ll be off the phone before we go out! I promise!

4:23pm – So technically Kenny G isn’t Muzak, it’s ‘lite jazz’ but damned if it isn’t the perfect Muzak music. Makes my brain melt and pour out my ears. Guh. Yes, honey, I know he has amazing breath control, but dude, he’s an ass and his music sucks. Why can’t he play something nice like Brubeck.

4:27pm – Blah blah blah deee. How many times can they play the same song? “Who could it be…” Honey I’m done with the towel.
Will you put it away?

4:31pm – DIE Kenny G, DIE!

4:34pm – Why did I ever like that stupid show? The premise was lame and the song was stupid and I’m so tired of listening to this idiotic muzak that I’m going to throw myself into the fireworks tonight!

4:48pm – Hello? Oh my god! A person! Hi, yes, I want to cancle my dial-up account. The name is *****. Yes, I’m [Ipstenu]. My credit card? Um, was it Amex or Citibank? Amex? Okay the last for digits are ****. Social security? I didn’t give it to you. Seriously, dude, there’s a note in there that says so. What? It was required? It wasn’t when I signed up back in 1999. Yes, 1999. Or 1998. Dude, it’s been a while. *sigh* Let me spell my name for you, there’s only one of me. Oh, you got my account? Yes, I want to delete it. That’s it? Okay, can you put a note in for why? Becuase I think your employers are hose heads, not you, sir. They’ve been promising Cable Internet to my building for about 2 years now, and every time I ask they say it’ll be *Ipstenu and RCN gay say as one* about six months. Right, exactly. I’m tired of waiting. Yeah, thanks. Have a nice day.

5:02pm – Bye!

SBC @ 12/31/2002

5:15pm – Closed!? Until THURSDAY!? You suck!

SBC @ 1/2/2003

8:54am – Phone tree. On hold.

8:56am – Mild muzak. Hmm. This is okay. It’s soft and relaxing.

8:57am – A person! Hi, I need to cancel my second line. Um. You’re going to laugh. I don’t know the number. It’s unlisted, and I don’t have caller ID on my other phone. Oh, and there’s no long distance. Nope, I never called it, it was for connecting to the internet. *woman laughs* See, told you. Oh! You found it? My middle initial? A as in Apple. Why? There’s more than one person with my first name? Five in my area code? Damn! Yeah, that’s the line I want to cancel. Um, as of today? Okay, Saturday’s fine.

9:05am – Bye!

Well … at least it ended happily!